Single Mothers and their Choices

Being a single mother for the past 19 years it astonishes me just how many single mothers prefer not to work these days. As I sit here thinking back the moment I was told that I had conceived a child my thoughts were….what the hell am I going to do? I knew at that time in my life I was not ready let alone prepared, but I decided within those few minutes I would work my ass off to make it a goal in my life and my child’s life that she would never be without. When you know that your relationship is not going to work out “happily ever after” it’s that moment you decide what is in the best interest for yourself and your child to achieve the most in life. I knew no matter what I would be a survivor and not make my responsibility someone else’s. My daughter’s father wasn’t really in the picture, but I knew he cared and loved her, but I still knew he wasn’t going to be the family man and stick around. Through all the ups and downs my achievements and goals have been accomplished. I did it because I chose to have my child. I continue to reflect of the long haul that I and I believe most single mothers experienced; I still think there is a problem with the way the current system works. First of all, they say there is a need for the man to step up with in families and become better "dads" even if unwedded and not living with the other parent. Well that’s totally contradicting, when courts immediately say as soon as the child is born the mother is the only one with full custody in which they say the father is basically considered just the sperm donor; hum? Well if the father is just a sperm donor, why is he subject to pay money each month for his wonderful donation; hum? When do you get charged for a donation? Off the back it leads a man to feel less responsible and active in the participation, because he has no rights, depending on whom the female is and her background (meaning her way of being brought up) a man may have to go through a hoops without breaking it just to see his child without any problems; rather (verbally, physically, or financially). Not only do you have to pay child support, but you also have to pay the courts for rights (legitimating)' ridiculous! Not only do you to take the DNA test but you have to pay the courts to try and receive equally spent time with the child (joint custody), ridiculous! After all the possible fees, on top of support paid, now wonder why men seem so frustrated. They do care but it’s expensive to prove to the stereotypical eye of the courts. Last I checked the count shows most woman make more money than most men. How can men support the needs of her and the child, and try to better themselves, Even a second make up job is charged. What happen to I pay what she would pay, equally the same way the child was equally created. Child support is not only against men. They are against anyone who is the NON-custodial parent; it doesn't matter if you are male or female. They DO NOT care about your needs or if you can make a better life for yourself. Child Support is a very one-sided organization. Just send your money and keep your mouth shut is their attitude.
I feel that when there is a divorce, or even if a child is born out of wedlock that whoever has FULL custody of the child should also have the full responsibility that goes along with it, or at least the non-custodial parent should not have to pay such a ridiculously high amount of support. Believe me; if I can do it, anyone can.... well, who chooses to take that responsibility.

The Child Support system needs a complete overhaul and it's time they start being a bit more fair, and make these money grubbing custodial parents take more responsibility for the kids as well, or give them to the non-custodial parent instead. I have NEVER spent $600/month on my child, so tell me why a woman needs that much for one child!!!!!

In a number of instances, the custodial parent is also receiving state assistance, because they cannot make it on their own. They are most likely receiving food stamps, rent assistance, heat assistance and welfare or better yet working as they call it “under the table”. These are all based on the income they are receiving.
There are other situations that arise that affect the above. I am open-minded, having gone through this personally. I also have friends that have gone through it, and their ex's are money-grubbers. One goes after him every 3 years, just like clockwork, just like the state allows you to.

One question I have is this.....WHY is it that people always say "Oh you need to be there for the kid and help out with feeding, etc.?" In most divorce cases the mother does not want the ex around at all and doesn't even want to see the ex again, BUT she is right there to suck him dry for money "for the kid" as they put it.

And on top of all of this half of all single mothers do not want to work and simply will not take jobs, a report has found.

The analysis said Labour will never achieve its goal of persuading large numbers of lone parents to abandon a life on benefits because a huge proportion of them simply refuse to do so.

Four out of ten single mothers, say they do want to take jobs 'but only at some point in the future'.

Although some mothers who are looking or willing to look for work derive some benefit from the interviews, most see going to one as a routine part of claiming benefits.

I know how difficult it is to raise a child on your own, but who made that decision? I can understand if you’ve been in a relationship for several years as I was. I knew in my heart he was not the one and that I would continue to work and achieve as much as possible for my child. It's a fact of life that it takes two people to produce a child, and it is not right that one should be able to walk away from him/her. But, what do you expect when there is no love there and a persons reasons to have a child is in fact for all the wrong reasons. First, there are woman to make those choices to have a child on their own and then choose not to work and expect to be take care of……that is unexceptable in my book. That’s where the line should be drawn.

Why do single parents think that they should be looked after? Take some responsiblity for your life as well as your child(s).

To my best friend "James"

You know when you are so amazed at how you could ever find that special friend whom shares your every moment? Who reaches for you exactly how you hoped, and always, always, helps make your dreams come true?! That's what my best friend is to me. We are inseparable! I love you James!!!

Mothers leaving their children-Am I wrong for judging?

While still making fun filled wedding plans and making sure that his and my child are a part of this festive and wonderful day, it astonishes me listening to a story being told about a woman. She was someone that is; I continue to listen, very selfish and as I became very curious not that brilliant in what she may call her career. How can a mother, mom, mommy find it in her heart to leave a child let alone children to make her own happiness; and really is she that happy? I can see now she was simply a void that didn’t have much meaning and I can see why. To me for most women, it's the one bond they'd never break.
"People say you have a responsibility to your children. Well, you’ve got a responsibility to yourself, if you choose to want to better your life, career, hobbies or whatever you make it out to be, there are still responsibilities in life and that is including your children having them close, letting them know you love and are there for them whenever they call. Getting on a plane once in a great while making that initial visit and heading back where ever you came from must not be a very good feeling and maybe some of us don’t have a choice, but when you do shouldn’t children come first? Maybe I was brought up feeling that I did come first in my mom’s eyes that she did make many sacrifices in her own life for me and my siblings, it hurts of course because she did make so many sacrifices but it made me a better person not only to myself but to my daughter. It really got me to thinking; after all, if it was a man meeting up with his children, I would think: 'That’s really lovely.' In truth, we don‘t view mothers in the same way.
"There are also women who don’t take naturally to motherhood. In the past, they would have stuck to it because the alternatives were few or zero. Now these mothers feel they do have a choice, and perhaps they feel society won’t judge them as harshly as it would have done years ago."
"In general it is always best for a child to remain in constant and loving contact with a mother, but circumstances vary, and perhaps society nowadays does not judge as harshly as it would have done in previous generations." I am no one to judge, but I do question mothers who make selfish choices to live a life that’s really just a fantasy, to choose a man or job over children, well that’s where I do judge.

Hispanic Wedding Traditions

When I think of what it means to be a Latina the first thing that enters my mind is family, going back to the generations before us that struggled and persevered to provide the best opportunities for their loved ones to hopefully achieve the American Dream. I am in all honesty content by not following the accustomed Mexican wedding traditions. My Hispanic culture is rich with traditions to say the least and I am a bit weary that some of our non Hispanic guest will be a bit disappointed we will not be following the so call “Mexican” tradition. Even though my fiancé would not be opposed to such a traditional wedding; I think even though very proud being Latina, I have made the initial decision to have a beautiful outdoor garden wedding instead. Traditionally, a Hispanic wedding or Matrimonio is deeply spiritual and involves a full mass in a Roman Catholic Church. The bride and groom and their attendants stand or kneel at the Church’s alter. Prayers are said for the couple as they begin their life together; I think we’re following that area pretty close. We will not be involved in the traditional Padrinos, lazo or the very customary arras. I guess what I’m trying to express is that all in all a wedding has no rules; there are no wrongs or rights. It really is just two people in love coming together whether in a church or outdoors the prayers still mean the same. James and I have very diverse back grounds, but have managed to love and accept all the differences we bring to the table. Maybe it’s all the years that I have lived here in the US and I have come accustomed to those traditions, but have not forgotten where I come from or what my name represents. I am proud and blessed to have such a wonderful culture behind me. I don’t think having mariachis play at the wedding would be such a bad thing; it’s in my blood.

Defining my Happiness

I define happiness as ... that sense of warmth that begins at the core of the soul, spreads to the heart, and radiates outward from the eyes and lips of those who know it. The gift of happiness is elusive, but tangible. You cannot seek to find that which makes you happy for happiness comes from within and by your own choice.

Happiness was found 7 years ago today; I looked into his eyes and knew one day.......

Hispanic Wedding Traditions

When I think of what it means to be a Latina the first thing that enters my mind is family, going back to the generations before us that struggled and persevered to provide the best opportunities for their loved ones to hopefully achieve the American Dream, but still maintaining their cultural traditions. I am in all honesty content by not following the accustomed Mexican wedding traditions. My Hispanic culture is rich with traditions to say the least and I am a bit weary that some of our non Hispanic guest will be a bit disappointed we will not be following the so call “Mexican traditions". Even though my fiancé would not be opposed to such a traditional wedding; I think even though very proud being Latina, I have made the initial decision to have a beautiful outdoor garden wedding instead. Traditionally, a Hispanic wedding or Matrimonio is deeply spiritual and involves a full mass in a Roman Catholic Church. The bride and groom and their attendants stand or kneel at the Church’s alter. Prayers are said for the couple as they begin their life together; I think we’re following that area pretty close. We will not be involved in the traditional Padrinos, lazo or the very customary arras. I guess what I’m trying to express is that all in all a wedding has no rules; there are no wrongs or rights. It really is just two people in love coming together whether in a church or outdoors the prayers still mean the same. James and I have very diverse back grounds, but have managed to love and accept all the differences we bring to the table. Maybe it’s all the years that I have lived here in the US and I have come accustomed to those traditions, but have not forgotten where I come from or what my name represents. I am proud and blessed to have such a wonderful culture behind me. I don’t think having mariachis play at the wedding would be such a bad thing; it’s in my blood.

Enjoy the Time of Planning

As I go through the motion as a bride to be I’ve taken a few notes of my own on how to enjoy the time of planning my wedding and just taking pleasure of this time. But, in reality when planning a wedding you are going to have some kind of stress. There is no way to avoid it 100%. Being a bride-to-be here are some tips that I have lived by for the past 5 months and with 4 months to go I will continue to live by.

1. START EARLY! Now the stress, I mean fun begins. Unless you have your wedding location, a photographer, florist, reception hall, dress, bridesmaids dress, tuxedos, etc on hold you need to get these items done first. As soon as you get the "big" items out of the way you can sit down for a while.

2. RELAX! This is the happiest time of your life relax and enjoy it. If you start to get overwhelmed and stressed remember why you are planning the wedding in the first place. Look at your husband-to-be and remember how you felt the day he asked you to marry him.
3. BE AFFECTIONATE! Take time to still date your future spouse. Hold hands, kiss, make love and be affectionate; I don’t think we’ve lost sight of our affection for one another, but I can see how it can easily happen. You have to put aside time to be affectionate to each other just little things like cuddling while watching a movie or going out to dinner.

4. TAKE TIME OFF! Unless the time between your engagement and your wedding is extremely short, you have time to get everything done. Do you really need to think, eat and sleep wedding plans 24/7, the answer is no! You have to take sometime off from planning your wedding in order to keep from being stressed. Pick a few days a week to not think about or discuss the wedding.

5. STAY ORGANIZED! You have to find your own way to stay organized, some people use binders with tabs or wedding planning books. I found that you have to use what works for you. There are plenty of websites that will help keep track of items you need to accomplish and will even send you emails to remind of you what you have or have not completed. A notebook and post-it notes are my choice. I chose the knot and even James finds it useful.

6. USE YOUR FRIENDS! Have friends that are not in the wedding party help you. Ask for their outside opinion on everything from versus in the ceremony to the party favors at the reception. These people are not stressing over how they are going to look in their dresses or in their tuxedos. Use them to keep you unstressed. These are the same people you can rely on for last minute items like pantyhose or hairspray.

Remember with any big or small event there are going to be snags, mistakes and problems. Remember relax, breath and enjoy yourself; I’ve chosen too and have been enjoying every step of the way.